The Art and Science of Motorbiking in Ho Chi Minh City

In the U.S. riding a motorbike instead of a motorcycle is like drinking a Bud Light Lime or a Miller Chill. Luckily, over here my testosterone is comparably intact. This is the motorbike I am renting: Strong, Black, and stands for Change I can Believe In. Naturally I have dubbed her Michelle Obama. Riding Michelle Obama has changed my life here in HCMC while also threatening to end it. You may also notice my cheesy bandanna I use to cover my mouth. As I said in an earlier post, the majority of drivers here have some sort of covering cloth to protect against dust, bugs, and Cambodian-inducing sunlight. Anywhere, here are some unofficial observations of what I perceive to be the rules, regulations, and dangers of cruising around the city.

Traffic Lights and Lanes:

A common quip about the traffic light system here is that they are more like suggestions. I don't think that is an accurate statement. Here, they are more like a direct challenge to the mass and volume of your balls. Sometimes when I am driving late at night the light posts turn into an Asian version of The Situation and I can hear him taunting my manhood. Similar to the U.S., you are permitted to take a right turn on red lights. Slightly different from the U.S., during a red light you are also seemingly allowed to go straight, take a left, pull a U-Turn, or do donuts in the middle of the intersection while flipping people off. It all boils down to how much of a hurry you are in, and how brave/stupid you are. The flipside of this is that during green lights, you have to be constantly on the lookout for cowboys racing towards you from the other 359 degrees.

Lanes offer just as much structure as the traffic lights, holding the mob of motorized vehicles worse than New Orleans' levies and dikes during Katrina. Technically there are dotted and solid lines to distinguish between the direction of the lane, but all that goes out the window when there is a lot of traffic. It is very common to see (and do yourself) people briefly going into oncoming traffic to pass the motorbikes/cars in front of them, or to witness an entire direction of traffic gobble up the opposing traffic's lanes. If I had to reduce the craziness of driving in this city to one rule, it would be: You can and go or do whatever as long as your bike can physically do it.

Dangers and Obstacles:

• Cars: Although any direct collision with a car will severely fuck up your shit, they are the least of my worries. They are slow, clumsy, and generally yield for motorbikes. There are definitely many more cars than I remember when I was here thirteen years ago, but the roads still belong to the moped.
  

• Buses/Trucks: These monstrosities require much more attention. Although they are slower than cars and usually yield to mopeds as well, their enormous size means that on many streets they take up most of the paved real estate. Luckily I have noticed most of them come equipped with two different horns. The first is a constant "dee-dee-doo-doo-dee-dee-doo-doo" sound. Much like the fat girl at a party pretending to be drunk who is constantly howling, this first horn is attention-whoring at its worst and is quickly ignored. The second horn is a much louder, soul piercing noise. When I hear this, it means that the shit is flying towards the fan at a dangerous rate and it is best to get the hell out of the way. Buses can also act as a screen against incoming traffic when turning left on busy intersections. The benefit is the ability to turn without having to weave through a a horde of assholes. The risk is, in the event you pull it off wrong or the bus makes a sudden movement, you die.

Getting ready to use the bus as a shield.

• Pedestrians: Having been on both teams, I have to say I hate pedestrians. Beboppin' and Scattin' through the streets with such arrogance and entitlement, these selfish dicks are nothing more than walking landmines. Also, they are mean. OK, so I barely scraped your son's face with my side-view mirror, get off your pedestal and get over yourself.
  

• Food Carts: If I had to bet money on how I am going to get in a motor accident here, I would put my money on a food cart-related accident. On two-lane streets, the left lane is for cars when they are present, so all the bikes are pushed to the right lane. In a stroke of genius, this is where many food carts like to situate themselves. This means many times during a drive, I find myself having to squeeze between a cart and a car. Even worse is when the person in front of me decides he/she wants some fresh coconut juice and abruptly stops. The absolute WORST however, is when one of these carts packs up and crosses the street. It is also part of the Vietnamese Constitution that you must be above the age of 75 and have had survived at least two wars in order to own and operate a cart. The snails pace at which these grandmother-powered carts cross the street combined with the many metal poles that stick out from all directions make for a very formidable death trap.

• Traffic Circles: Arrested Development being canceled after only 3 seasons. The "Tea Party" and its "Teabaggers". Female thought process and behavior. These are all things that neither Science nor Religion can ever hope to explain. The numerous traffic circles in Vietnam certainly belong in this list. Usually, a traffic circle makes sense if their are lights, yield signs, more than 2 roads intersecting each other, etc. However the traffic circles here are a giant free-for-all. Its as though the city planner said, "How can I maximize the amount of collisions and create the most dangerous location, while still providing a cute place to put up a statue?" Just imagine bicycles, motorbikes, cars, and buses coming from 4-8 different locations spinning around a circle simultaneously going every direction, and you get the general idea. If you mentally incapable of imagining that, here is a video I took the first week I was here at a smaller traffic circle with only 4 ways to go (it doesn't even have a statue!):

• Road Rage: In the U.S., it is way too easy to roll up your window, act hard, and yell out profanities all in the comfort and protection of your own car. I am probably most guilty of this. Here however, everyone is literally a couple feet away from you and there is no fiber glass or window to protect you. I was surprised by the sudden reaction I got when I yelled out "EAT A DICK!" or "BITCHCLOWN" at people who almost hit me. I doubt they understood what I was saying, but its generally a rule of thumb here that you keep your mouth shut unless some serious shit went down. The alternative I've noticed is a range of death stares. Starting at "I can tell you are an American" and "Dick move asshole", I recall seeing a few faces that roughly translate into "I will sodomize your first-born child" and other more serious threats.

Motorbike Mobbing:

My students are both horrified and amazed that I decided to rent my own bike. Swarming around town with them is one of my new favorite hobbies. I think I am keeping up, until some 90 lb. student cruises right passed me and yells out that I drive like a grandmother. Seriously though, it's like they've all studied Vin Diesel driving tape. Here are some pictures/videos Minh took of the 2nd day I got my bike, and a group of us feasting:

Not entirely sure of the noises Minh and Fenny (our student/his driver) are making in the first video haha. Also, these pictures do a horrible injustice to the traffic and chaos of Saigon but you get the point.

Anyway I was going to post more shit about various happenings but this is way too much writing already. Tomorrow I am going to a charity event for kids affected by Agent Orange, and this weekend I am heading to the beach town of Mui Ne. (by train and by motorbike, which should be awesome). Should be good times all around, and hopefully some things interesting enough to write about. Until then, eh?

P.S. Three weeks left. That was fast.

P.P.S. I am getting married. Won't be back for a bit.