The Hangover. D;Igniting World War III
After the madness at the Wink's house, we drank more and decided to hop down to the beach. Going to the beach drunk in the middle of the night is always epic, but this particular night we were assaulted by jellyfish and jagged rocks stealthily placed under the sand. Some students got stung, I sprinted on top of such a rock and tore up my right foot. Still hobbling around like an assclown today.
Anyway when we all got back, the majority of the people had to quickly shower to catch a 2am shuttle back to Saigon. Meanwhile, I had not dropped a deuce the entire weekend yet. That is only sort of a big deal back in the States, but waiting that long in Vietnam is reckless. To complicate things further, the shower and the toilet are in the same room, without any stalls or anything. Being the nice guy that I am, I patiently waited and plotted for everyone to finish their showers before I would, as Maximus from Gladiator put it, "Unleash Hell."
And Unleash Hell was exactly what I did. I destroyed that toilet with extreme prejudice. From time to time, we do things that we are not in the slightest bit proud of. This was definitely one of those times. In the midst of my horror, I realized I had clogged the toilet with my destructive ordinances. I should have known that Vietnamese plumbing would pose no match for what had been brewing in my digestive track. The collateral damage of my actions rendered the single bathroom/shower useless. Even though I tried my hardest to avoid it, there will always be civilian casualties in times of war.
A single civilian casualty, I mean. Minh's drunkass momentarily passed out so he did not shower before I fired the first shots of WW3. However when he came to, he rushed to the bathroom to unload his own cargo and change out of his wet clothes. It only took a second in the bathroom before he ran back out, visibly shaken by the carnage I had involuntarily left behind, and cursed my name a thousand times before he drunkenly trailed off into a deep slumber, still soaking.
While I quite literally had the first laugh, it was far from over. In the morning, Gentlemen Rules of Warfare dictated that Minh should have the first shower, which had been magically cleaned by the toilet gnomes somehow. This was a bad mistake on my part. His Retribution was vicious and swift. He claims he involuntarily clogged it, but I call bullshit. Seriously though, when I went in there after to take my shower, I started crying. None of my five senses were spared. What I saw that day, even if only for a brief second, was seared into my eyes. The shit was represented in all known and unknown phases of Matter.
Anyway, that was really gross and I'm sure no one needed to read that. Here are some random pictures of us driving that day along a pretty sweet hidden stretch of highway that the Wink knew.
Schindler's List
The original plan was to catch the 1:30pm train back to Saigon. A normal ticket cost 60,000VND (about $3 USD), and another 40,000VND to put my motorbike on it. Of course, this is Vietnam, where everyone knows somebody else who can hook you up. In this case, The Wink set us up with an inside man, who we will refer to from here on out as Mrs. Schindler. I'm not even sure what the new plan was, but suddenly we were on the train without a ticket and Mrs. Schindler was supposed to find us some seats or something.
We lost her but managed to find five empty seats ourselves. All was well for about an hour, before we hit the next stop and the train became overcrowded. Five people with actual tickets for our seats had arrived, and we were ousted with no where to go. We went to the Canteen at the rear of the train, and sat down at a table nervously plotting our next move. However once here, we would have to order food to maintain a position at one of the few and desperately needed tables. Our solution was to drag out a plate of stir-fried noodles over a span of an hour. So far so good, only three more hours to home.
However, this is when the Gestapo- err train security caught us without tickets. They brought 'Tom' over to a corner to interrogate him. Here's a picture taken by a witness:
We lost her but managed to find five empty seats ourselves. All was well for about an hour, before we hit the next stop and the train became overcrowded. Five people with actual tickets for our seats had arrived, and we were ousted with no where to go. We went to the Canteen at the rear of the train, and sat down at a table nervously plotting our next move. However once here, we would have to order food to maintain a position at one of the few and desperately needed tables. Our solution was to drag out a plate of stir-fried noodles over a span of an hour. So far so good, only three more hours to home.
However, this is when the Gestapo- err train security caught us without tickets. They brought 'Tom' over to a corner to interrogate him. Here's a picture taken by a witness:
This is when our hero and savior Mrs. Schindler stepped in:
As you can see his/her face is edited with professional software to protect his/her identity. Anyway a deal was brokered. We would not be thrown off the moving train afterall, and were allowed to stuff ourselves into a small closet for a marked up price. Here is a picture of our prison cell:
A few more hours later and I had finally managed to return to my room, probably dirtier than any point of my life. I was so exhausted I passed out as soon as I hit my bed.
In other news, I only have a small handful of days left here. This was the fastest summer I can remember. Soon, it will be "A Greenman in Greece". Speaking of Greenman, he's got a couple tricks up his sleeve for these last few days. And don't be surprised if you see Greenmonk either. But Oy, I've already said too much.
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